Feeling Good

I am living this quote right now and just savoring it. New job = New Growth.

Celeb Inspiration: Demi Lovato #2 "The Unfriending"

Thumbs up to BuzzFeed for this great list of quotes from Demi. Any artist who finds strength in their missteps and pain gets my respect. Also, despite the intense public eye, disassociating from one of her oldest friends, Selena Gomez, for whatever the reason is another strong self-health move. Choosing the people in your life is difficult, and sometimes through no fault of their own, you simply don't like who you are around them. Don't make excuses and feel socially obligated to do anything. You can't choose your family or the people you work with, but you can definitely choose your friends, and you can decide who you listen to and let into your space.

Be Proud and Use Your Words

I'm going to bring up appearances. We all know that it can take a lot to feel comfortable in your own skin. However, once you do the work and start having a semblance of those feelings or even a full on "I'm always looking fine" attitude, it doesn't stop others from commenting. I've learned that I really don't want to take part in that and try to keep things positive. I love complimenting strangers when they are looking fabulous or people I know who are trying something new. How you look is of course a reflection of what you are feeling inside. So somehow, after working through the worst parts of my depression, color felt safe to introduce back into my daily wardrobe and I actually wore real clothes instead of pajamas

What it boils down to is that I'm proud to be me and I'd rather wear a smile, so when people in my life, particularly family, because they are only trying to be helpful (*eyeroll*) make me feel bad by commenting on my hair, my weight, my clothes, my ANYTHING...I say "I don't want to hear it." I actually say that. I don't find it helpful, I find it hurtful. I realize other people are the ones that have to look at me, but I'm the one that has to BE me, so what I say goes.

On a semi-related note, I think back to how the depth of my depression could possibly be related to how often I looked in the mirror. Days of not showering or simply the one lone middle of the night, bathroom mirror stare down, sadness reflected back....After all that, I have to listen to anyone tell me how I should cut or grow my hair??? Nope.

Self Health Check-in

Exactly one week after cleaning up a lot of the clutter in my bedroom and rearranging the furniture, I have maintained a neater space. It is not about laziness, it is about knowing that I'm a visual person and feel less stressed without the clutter. Don't get me wrong, it still exists, let's not go digging in drawers and closets, but it's there for my eyes to see when I am ready to tackle it and not staring me in the face every day.

Here are some more items to add to the list of things that make me feel good: listening to my music on my commute instead of the radio (my car CD player is broken but sometimes silence was better than morning talk garbage), listening to pandora's "Today's Comedy" station at night time, trying yoga, getting a snuggle from a baby that loves you, and getting criticized in a dream and even subconsciously knowing it's not true.

Food for Thought: Eckhart Tolle Quote -EDIT-

"You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you, and allowing that goodness to emerge."

-Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth

EDIT: I think on its own, this quote probably seems super "New Age-y" but I think what hit me most while reading it is the idea that we're already good. At our core, we are good and we don't have to spend our whole lives trying to become good and "be on our best behavior" and guilt ourselves into things we "should" do etc. Understanding that who you are, as you are right now, is a good person. What Eckhart Tolle goes on to say is that the ego, aka that voice in our head narrating our thoughts, is what blocks that idea from us. It can be easy for us to downplay our accomplishments in order to not seem too arrogant and so many other versions of judgement that we place on ourselves. Instead of worrying about "doing the right thing" etc. I want to just be me and be okay with that and know that I have my own path.

Internet Inspiration: BuzzFeed's "25 Things You DON'T Need To Do Before You Die"

This list is a refreshing reminder that we buy into the idea of things we HAVE to do all the time. Or places we need to see before or by a deadline...before you have kids, before you turn 30, 40, 50 etc. In actuality, these are arbitrary deadlines. For example, #12:

"You don’t need to achieve major success by a specific point in your life. Success can come early, or late in life. And it’s something you have to define for yourself."

This is something I struggle with on the daily. How can I be successful if I don't have A and B and C? It's a process like anything else, so celebrating the big and small things that are working for you is important. Otherwise, you will always feel like a failure.

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Worthy

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And You Are Enough

Personal Experiences: Choosing "Self Health"

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After 28 years, most of them outside of a romantic relationship, I was able to get to know myself and my habits fairly well. It continues to be a learning process as I try to find more things that make me happy and cut out or adjust the things that don't. For example, after a long 10 hour day at work, I'm generally exhausted and I change into my comfy pj's, throw my dirty clothes across the floor and curl up with my laptop.

As the mess piles up, I am soon surrounded by it, and still "too tired" to deal with it as it becomes really big and impedes my path towards the door. Ah, what a metaphor for my life. Basically, like any pesky problem or chore or errand, it's best to be proactive, think ahead, be on the offense instead of always playing defense. So thus, I am trying to remember to make better choices.

For example, I have been holding out on rearranging my room for a long time because it is going to be a huge pain in the ass. However, I know the end result will be worth it. I will be able to clean out under my bed, get rid of the pesky unreachable dust bunnies and get a fresh perspective on my room. Just making that decision to do this for myself, I feel better, because I know I'm choosing something that will be good for me. I get the same feeling when I take the time to pack myself a nice lunch the night before instead of grabbing whatever I find in the morning as I rush out the door.

I'd like to start a running list of things that make me feel good, and make me feel like I'm actively choosing to take care of my "self health." Some that come to mind, like packing my lunch, are: hot/cool shower (depending on the weather) before bed, flossing, painting my nails, clearing out old mementos with negative associations (or that are just piling up), drinking lots of water (having to refill my water bottle once or twice during the day) and listening to meditative music or a guided meditation as I fall asleep.

What are some things you do?

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Today I Feel...I Need to Hit Refresh

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So in anxiety over job searching, I made every social media account I own private. I shut myself off and I felt silly continuing to write posts for "no one." I regret that decision and being able to share this huge part of myself. I think blogging about depression, my experiences and related things I come across was a healthy habit that I want to continue.

For the past year, I've feel boxed in at times trying to remind myself not to hold myself up to other people's standards. It is the vicious cycle of guilt and depression that my mind is prone to despite medication. You can change chemical imbalances with proper medication but you also have to change your ways of thinking...how you handle stress, difficult relationships and/or confrontations etc. I'm also in the process of looking for a new therapist as well, because despite my best efforts of focusing and articulating my goals and what I want out of therapy, I have not yet found a good fit.

I've begun a serious relationship with someone who also suffers from depression and is in the beginning stages of treatment and that has also brought these issues back to the front of my mind. It's 100% true that the hardest thing in the world for someone with depression is seeking help and committing to seeking help by making sure that someone is listening and taking you seriously. But once you begin a treatment path, and finally find something that works for you, unfortunately it doesn't mean that everything is magically cured.

I still cope with stress like a depressed person. I crawl into bed, under the covers, in the fetal position until I'm able to process it. I still reward then guilt myself like a depressed person sometimes, by engaging in a quick trip to my favorite store to "treat myself" and then berating myself for spending the money on myself.
I realize all of this makes me human, but coming from the perspective of someone who was depressed for over 10 years, these habits are some closely associated with that feeling that I would never be happy. Even that I didn't deserve to be happy.

So now, I am hitting refresh. I look forward to sharing and seeing what others have to say.