Personal Experiences: Choosing "Self Health"

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After 28 years, most of them outside of a romantic relationship, I was able to get to know myself and my habits fairly well. It continues to be a learning process as I try to find more things that make me happy and cut out or adjust the things that don't. For example, after a long 10 hour day at work, I'm generally exhausted and I change into my comfy pj's, throw my dirty clothes across the floor and curl up with my laptop.

As the mess piles up, I am soon surrounded by it, and still "too tired" to deal with it as it becomes really big and impedes my path towards the door. Ah, what a metaphor for my life. Basically, like any pesky problem or chore or errand, it's best to be proactive, think ahead, be on the offense instead of always playing defense. So thus, I am trying to remember to make better choices.

For example, I have been holding out on rearranging my room for a long time because it is going to be a huge pain in the ass. However, I know the end result will be worth it. I will be able to clean out under my bed, get rid of the pesky unreachable dust bunnies and get a fresh perspective on my room. Just making that decision to do this for myself, I feel better, because I know I'm choosing something that will be good for me. I get the same feeling when I take the time to pack myself a nice lunch the night before instead of grabbing whatever I find in the morning as I rush out the door.

I'd like to start a running list of things that make me feel good, and make me feel like I'm actively choosing to take care of my "self health." Some that come to mind, like packing my lunch, are: hot/cool shower (depending on the weather) before bed, flossing, painting my nails, clearing out old mementos with negative associations (or that are just piling up), drinking lots of water (having to refill my water bottle once or twice during the day) and listening to meditative music or a guided meditation as I fall asleep.

What are some things you do?

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Today I Feel...I Need to Hit Refresh

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So in anxiety over job searching, I made every social media account I own private. I shut myself off and I felt silly continuing to write posts for "no one." I regret that decision and being able to share this huge part of myself. I think blogging about depression, my experiences and related things I come across was a healthy habit that I want to continue.

For the past year, I've feel boxed in at times trying to remind myself not to hold myself up to other people's standards. It is the vicious cycle of guilt and depression that my mind is prone to despite medication. You can change chemical imbalances with proper medication but you also have to change your ways of thinking...how you handle stress, difficult relationships and/or confrontations etc. I'm also in the process of looking for a new therapist as well, because despite my best efforts of focusing and articulating my goals and what I want out of therapy, I have not yet found a good fit.

I've begun a serious relationship with someone who also suffers from depression and is in the beginning stages of treatment and that has also brought these issues back to the front of my mind. It's 100% true that the hardest thing in the world for someone with depression is seeking help and committing to seeking help by making sure that someone is listening and taking you seriously. But once you begin a treatment path, and finally find something that works for you, unfortunately it doesn't mean that everything is magically cured.

I still cope with stress like a depressed person. I crawl into bed, under the covers, in the fetal position until I'm able to process it. I still reward then guilt myself like a depressed person sometimes, by engaging in a quick trip to my favorite store to "treat myself" and then berating myself for spending the money on myself.
I realize all of this makes me human, but coming from the perspective of someone who was depressed for over 10 years, these habits are some closely associated with that feeling that I would never be happy. Even that I didn't deserve to be happy.

So now, I am hitting refresh. I look forward to sharing and seeing what others have to say.

Personal Experiences: Making Adjustments

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So this will be my last week and a half of having student health insurance and therefore I will lose coverage for my prescriptions until I find employment. I've looked into the costs of my medications and one of them in particular has no generic version and costs $$$. I have an appointment to discuss my options with my psychiatrist but needless to say I'm still a little anxious. While I generally subscribe to the belief that it's better to be on as little medication as possible, I also stronglyyyy believe that if it's not broke, don't fix it. I know there are several contributing factors to my current state of happiness, and having to make adjustments to my medication is an inevitable step, but I don't want to sacrifice another minute of feeling better!

This is a negativity trap. Thinking that the other shoe is going to drop at any moment...being SO sure that something awful is around the corner...instead of enjoying the present. I at least know I have all the support I need while I make these changes (and maybe some side effects will go away! The change could be for the better!) and need to continue to pay close attention to what is happening internally.

You hold the key to your own happiness :-)

Depression in Movies: Crazylove

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0416658/

I think this might have originally aired as TV movie, but I am not entirely sure. I watched it on Netflix Instant, partly because I wanted to see the main character go through her journey of recovery and I'm a sucker for any story about finding love in a hopeless place (not necessarily hopeless, I just wanted to quote Rihanna's song there).

Anyhow, the main character, Letty struggles with extreme anxiety and depression which results in OCD. She is very much a people pleaser, giving above and beyond to her students, her lawyer boyfriend and gluing her family together post-messy divorce. In fact, for a lot of the time you wish that Letty would just yell at them all to  deal with their own problems (well..not the kids). Instead, she has a breakdown and ends up in a facility where she meets a guy with schizophrenia, who has a rocky history of coping with his illness.

I think the movie definitely delves into some good territory, such as how difficult it is for her to get her job back after her breakdown, but they focused on the love story and then Michael's story, and we never really got to see Letty's "breakthrough" in a way. I'm also not so sure how they would get away with fraternizing at the facility, as it's specifically against the rules.

I felt it had an overall positive message, specifically not to give up on the people you love--even if they are going through something you may not understand.

I'd give it 2 1/2 out of 5 stars...it was fair.