Be Proud and Use Your Words

I'm going to bring up appearances. We all know that it can take a lot to feel comfortable in your own skin. However, once you do the work and start having a semblance of those feelings or even a full on "I'm always looking fine" attitude, it doesn't stop others from commenting. I've learned that I really don't want to take part in that and try to keep things positive. I love complimenting strangers when they are looking fabulous or people I know who are trying something new. How you look is of course a reflection of what you are feeling inside. So somehow, after working through the worst parts of my depression, color felt safe to introduce back into my daily wardrobe and I actually wore real clothes instead of pajamas

What it boils down to is that I'm proud to be me and I'd rather wear a smile, so when people in my life, particularly family, because they are only trying to be helpful (*eyeroll*) make me feel bad by commenting on my hair, my weight, my clothes, my ANYTHING...I say "I don't want to hear it." I actually say that. I don't find it helpful, I find it hurtful. I realize other people are the ones that have to look at me, but I'm the one that has to BE me, so what I say goes.

On a semi-related note, I think back to how the depth of my depression could possibly be related to how often I looked in the mirror. Days of not showering or simply the one lone middle of the night, bathroom mirror stare down, sadness reflected back....After all that, I have to listen to anyone tell me how I should cut or grow my hair??? Nope.

Self Health Check-in

Exactly one week after cleaning up a lot of the clutter in my bedroom and rearranging the furniture, I have maintained a neater space. It is not about laziness, it is about knowing that I'm a visual person and feel less stressed without the clutter. Don't get me wrong, it still exists, let's not go digging in drawers and closets, but it's there for my eyes to see when I am ready to tackle it and not staring me in the face every day.

Here are some more items to add to the list of things that make me feel good: listening to my music on my commute instead of the radio (my car CD player is broken but sometimes silence was better than morning talk garbage), listening to pandora's "Today's Comedy" station at night time, trying yoga, getting a snuggle from a baby that loves you, and getting criticized in a dream and even subconsciously knowing it's not true.

Food for Thought: Eckhart Tolle Quote -EDIT-

"You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you, and allowing that goodness to emerge."

-Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth

EDIT: I think on its own, this quote probably seems super "New Age-y" but I think what hit me most while reading it is the idea that we're already good. At our core, we are good and we don't have to spend our whole lives trying to become good and "be on our best behavior" and guilt ourselves into things we "should" do etc. Understanding that who you are, as you are right now, is a good person. What Eckhart Tolle goes on to say is that the ego, aka that voice in our head narrating our thoughts, is what blocks that idea from us. It can be easy for us to downplay our accomplishments in order to not seem too arrogant and so many other versions of judgement that we place on ourselves. Instead of worrying about "doing the right thing" etc. I want to just be me and be okay with that and know that I have my own path.

Personal Experiences: Choosing "Self Health"

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After 28 years, most of them outside of a romantic relationship, I was able to get to know myself and my habits fairly well. It continues to be a learning process as I try to find more things that make me happy and cut out or adjust the things that don't. For example, after a long 10 hour day at work, I'm generally exhausted and I change into my comfy pj's, throw my dirty clothes across the floor and curl up with my laptop.

As the mess piles up, I am soon surrounded by it, and still "too tired" to deal with it as it becomes really big and impedes my path towards the door. Ah, what a metaphor for my life. Basically, like any pesky problem or chore or errand, it's best to be proactive, think ahead, be on the offense instead of always playing defense. So thus, I am trying to remember to make better choices.

For example, I have been holding out on rearranging my room for a long time because it is going to be a huge pain in the ass. However, I know the end result will be worth it. I will be able to clean out under my bed, get rid of the pesky unreachable dust bunnies and get a fresh perspective on my room. Just making that decision to do this for myself, I feel better, because I know I'm choosing something that will be good for me. I get the same feeling when I take the time to pack myself a nice lunch the night before instead of grabbing whatever I find in the morning as I rush out the door.

I'd like to start a running list of things that make me feel good, and make me feel like I'm actively choosing to take care of my "self health." Some that come to mind, like packing my lunch, are: hot/cool shower (depending on the weather) before bed, flossing, painting my nails, clearing out old mementos with negative associations (or that are just piling up), drinking lots of water (having to refill my water bottle once or twice during the day) and listening to meditative music or a guided meditation as I fall asleep.

What are some things you do?

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Today I Feel...I Need to Hit Refresh

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So in anxiety over job searching, I made every social media account I own private. I shut myself off and I felt silly continuing to write posts for "no one." I regret that decision and being able to share this huge part of myself. I think blogging about depression, my experiences and related things I come across was a healthy habit that I want to continue.

For the past year, I've feel boxed in at times trying to remind myself not to hold myself up to other people's standards. It is the vicious cycle of guilt and depression that my mind is prone to despite medication. You can change chemical imbalances with proper medication but you also have to change your ways of thinking...how you handle stress, difficult relationships and/or confrontations etc. I'm also in the process of looking for a new therapist as well, because despite my best efforts of focusing and articulating my goals and what I want out of therapy, I have not yet found a good fit.

I've begun a serious relationship with someone who also suffers from depression and is in the beginning stages of treatment and that has also brought these issues back to the front of my mind. It's 100% true that the hardest thing in the world for someone with depression is seeking help and committing to seeking help by making sure that someone is listening and taking you seriously. But once you begin a treatment path, and finally find something that works for you, unfortunately it doesn't mean that everything is magically cured.

I still cope with stress like a depressed person. I crawl into bed, under the covers, in the fetal position until I'm able to process it. I still reward then guilt myself like a depressed person sometimes, by engaging in a quick trip to my favorite store to "treat myself" and then berating myself for spending the money on myself.
I realize all of this makes me human, but coming from the perspective of someone who was depressed for over 10 years, these habits are some closely associated with that feeling that I would never be happy. Even that I didn't deserve to be happy.

So now, I am hitting refresh. I look forward to sharing and seeing what others have to say.

In the News: Tony Scott and Suicide

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It seems like it's been awhile since there has been a high profile celebrity suicide in the news...or at least one that was so clearly a suicide. It had a strange effect on me as the initial reports were breaking. I finally felt like, "Wow, I 100% can relate to that feeling." As much as we want to put that dark place and all that pain behind us, it can be so easily accessed again when you meet someone or hear of someone who is struggling with depression and thoughts of suicide.

The rumors surrounding Tony Scott's death, such as whether or not he was diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer before taking his life, I think show how uncomfortable the media and the general public is with handling questions of suicide. He has it all! Success! Money! Fame! Family! etc. And we even satisfy ourselves with the answer of "we'll never know why."

I obviously can only speak for myself and my experience and that is to say, even being young and intelligent, and having family and friends, and born in this fabulous day and age...my depression was so bad I felt almost inhuman with apathy. Nothing mattered. Luckily, I reached out, I got help. I asked to go on medication. And the worst it got I was on medication and I asked to change medications because it clearly wasn't helping.

All I want to do with my life is help others, but it turned out I really needed to help myself first. All that is available is the belief that it's not supposed to be like this. There is help. There's no quick fix, but it will be so worth it. I really feel like I wouldn't be this happy now if I hadn't been so unhappy before.

The difference now is that I access that pain in a new way. Reflecting on it rather than letting it completely overwhelm me. It's nice to be able to feel a range of emotions as opposed to just one, but it's still a process.

Look Inside

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Today I Feel...Stronger

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So what I've been thinking about lately, as I have started my final semester of grad school, and have really begun to delve deeper into learning about the things that I am passionate about and want to build my future around, is how much strength and confidence I've gained in--even the last six months. I think as you grow older and gain more experiences, you slowly do naturally become more comfortable with yourself. However, I've noticed a huge difference thanks to this blog, reaching out to peers about my depression, getting on medication, and learning about myself through my grad classes.

One thing that really stands out is that, being an introvert (who thought I should be/was an extrovert), there were so many times that I let other people affect how I behaved because I thought they knew better than me. Looking back, the instances that irritate me the most are those in which I was in the leadership position, but I still let particular people influence what I did because I thought they knew more than me, or were better than me or I wanted their approval...all of the above. I have always been very sensitive and emphatic to other peoples' emotions etc., which practically dictates that I am a people pleaser...but truly there are some people that can't be pleased.

Even now, I can recognize when I feel guilty or upset by something I have no control over (i.e. other people), so I really feel a whole lot better about myself and where I am than ever before. Lucky for me, I don't have any of those people in my life anymore, where I somehow felt obligated to put them up on a pedestal for no good reason other than my whacked out perception of their superiority over me.

However, I think one good thing that came out of that is my leadership style has evolved into a much more collaborative style. I don't want anyone to feel like their ideas are less valid, or won't be heard, especially because I know how crappy that feels. One of my professors likes to say that every experience is a positive experience, because you either learn what you should do, or what you shouldn't do.

What makes you strong? What gives you confidence in yourself?

The Stars Come Out

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      "Don't lose hope
                    when the sun goes down
                                                 the stars come out"                                                                          
                                       ~Author Unknown

Today I Feel...Guilty

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One thing I've only recently begun to become aware of since starting therapy was how guilty I feel. This comes up time and time again in my relationships with others and also in how I view myself. If I do something fun instead of something I "should" be doing, then I feel guilty. It's my go-to form of self punishment, that reminder to tell myself "you're terrible!"

Hanging on to these guilty feelings has really weakened my self confidence. I am still discovering that I feel this way especially when I choose to do what I want to do (or what I think is best for me) instead of what someone else wants me to do. Then, no matter my logic, I feel as though I am letting them down. What I realize is that maybe I am letting them down, however, that doesn't mean I should feel badly and doubt my decisions. I've still been feeling guilty about quitting my job a year ago, when I know it was the right decision for me. I've kept questioning it too, even though I knew it was what I needed.

I'm slowly working on building myself up again, recognizing that I have the strength to speak up for myself, and also trying to let go of the voices that are trying to get me to be a people pleaser. I'm actually a terrible people pleaser because I'm fighting with myself the whole time to do what I really want!

What do you feel guilty about?

What Do You Need?

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