Feeling Good

I am living this quote right now and just savoring it. New job = New Growth.

Self Health Check-in

Exactly one week after cleaning up a lot of the clutter in my bedroom and rearranging the furniture, I have maintained a neater space. It is not about laziness, it is about knowing that I'm a visual person and feel less stressed without the clutter. Don't get me wrong, it still exists, let's not go digging in drawers and closets, but it's there for my eyes to see when I am ready to tackle it and not staring me in the face every day.

Here are some more items to add to the list of things that make me feel good: listening to my music on my commute instead of the radio (my car CD player is broken but sometimes silence was better than morning talk garbage), listening to pandora's "Today's Comedy" station at night time, trying yoga, getting a snuggle from a baby that loves you, and getting criticized in a dream and even subconsciously knowing it's not true.

Personal Experiences: Choosing "Self Health"

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After 28 years, most of them outside of a romantic relationship, I was able to get to know myself and my habits fairly well. It continues to be a learning process as I try to find more things that make me happy and cut out or adjust the things that don't. For example, after a long 10 hour day at work, I'm generally exhausted and I change into my comfy pj's, throw my dirty clothes across the floor and curl up with my laptop.

As the mess piles up, I am soon surrounded by it, and still "too tired" to deal with it as it becomes really big and impedes my path towards the door. Ah, what a metaphor for my life. Basically, like any pesky problem or chore or errand, it's best to be proactive, think ahead, be on the offense instead of always playing defense. So thus, I am trying to remember to make better choices.

For example, I have been holding out on rearranging my room for a long time because it is going to be a huge pain in the ass. However, I know the end result will be worth it. I will be able to clean out under my bed, get rid of the pesky unreachable dust bunnies and get a fresh perspective on my room. Just making that decision to do this for myself, I feel better, because I know I'm choosing something that will be good for me. I get the same feeling when I take the time to pack myself a nice lunch the night before instead of grabbing whatever I find in the morning as I rush out the door.

I'd like to start a running list of things that make me feel good, and make me feel like I'm actively choosing to take care of my "self health." Some that come to mind, like packing my lunch, are: hot/cool shower (depending on the weather) before bed, flossing, painting my nails, clearing out old mementos with negative associations (or that are just piling up), drinking lots of water (having to refill my water bottle once or twice during the day) and listening to meditative music or a guided meditation as I fall asleep.

What are some things you do?

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Today I Feel...I Need to Hit Refresh

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So in anxiety over job searching, I made every social media account I own private. I shut myself off and I felt silly continuing to write posts for "no one." I regret that decision and being able to share this huge part of myself. I think blogging about depression, my experiences and related things I come across was a healthy habit that I want to continue.

For the past year, I've feel boxed in at times trying to remind myself not to hold myself up to other people's standards. It is the vicious cycle of guilt and depression that my mind is prone to despite medication. You can change chemical imbalances with proper medication but you also have to change your ways of thinking...how you handle stress, difficult relationships and/or confrontations etc. I'm also in the process of looking for a new therapist as well, because despite my best efforts of focusing and articulating my goals and what I want out of therapy, I have not yet found a good fit.

I've begun a serious relationship with someone who also suffers from depression and is in the beginning stages of treatment and that has also brought these issues back to the front of my mind. It's 100% true that the hardest thing in the world for someone with depression is seeking help and committing to seeking help by making sure that someone is listening and taking you seriously. But once you begin a treatment path, and finally find something that works for you, unfortunately it doesn't mean that everything is magically cured.

I still cope with stress like a depressed person. I crawl into bed, under the covers, in the fetal position until I'm able to process it. I still reward then guilt myself like a depressed person sometimes, by engaging in a quick trip to my favorite store to "treat myself" and then berating myself for spending the money on myself.
I realize all of this makes me human, but coming from the perspective of someone who was depressed for over 10 years, these habits are some closely associated with that feeling that I would never be happy. Even that I didn't deserve to be happy.

So now, I am hitting refresh. I look forward to sharing and seeing what others have to say.

In the News: Tony Scott and Suicide

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It seems like it's been awhile since there has been a high profile celebrity suicide in the news...or at least one that was so clearly a suicide. It had a strange effect on me as the initial reports were breaking. I finally felt like, "Wow, I 100% can relate to that feeling." As much as we want to put that dark place and all that pain behind us, it can be so easily accessed again when you meet someone or hear of someone who is struggling with depression and thoughts of suicide.

The rumors surrounding Tony Scott's death, such as whether or not he was diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer before taking his life, I think show how uncomfortable the media and the general public is with handling questions of suicide. He has it all! Success! Money! Fame! Family! etc. And we even satisfy ourselves with the answer of "we'll never know why."

I obviously can only speak for myself and my experience and that is to say, even being young and intelligent, and having family and friends, and born in this fabulous day and age...my depression was so bad I felt almost inhuman with apathy. Nothing mattered. Luckily, I reached out, I got help. I asked to go on medication. And the worst it got I was on medication and I asked to change medications because it clearly wasn't helping.

All I want to do with my life is help others, but it turned out I really needed to help myself first. All that is available is the belief that it's not supposed to be like this. There is help. There's no quick fix, but it will be so worth it. I really feel like I wouldn't be this happy now if I hadn't been so unhappy before.

The difference now is that I access that pain in a new way. Reflecting on it rather than letting it completely overwhelm me. It's nice to be able to feel a range of emotions as opposed to just one, but it's still a process.

Personal Experiences: Making Adjustments

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So this will be my last week and a half of having student health insurance and therefore I will lose coverage for my prescriptions until I find employment. I've looked into the costs of my medications and one of them in particular has no generic version and costs $$$. I have an appointment to discuss my options with my psychiatrist but needless to say I'm still a little anxious. While I generally subscribe to the belief that it's better to be on as little medication as possible, I also stronglyyyy believe that if it's not broke, don't fix it. I know there are several contributing factors to my current state of happiness, and having to make adjustments to my medication is an inevitable step, but I don't want to sacrifice another minute of feeling better!

This is a negativity trap. Thinking that the other shoe is going to drop at any moment...being SO sure that something awful is around the corner...instead of enjoying the present. I at least know I have all the support I need while I make these changes (and maybe some side effects will go away! The change could be for the better!) and need to continue to pay close attention to what is happening internally.

You hold the key to your own happiness :-)

Update: Trusting Your Instincts

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So I forewarned that I would be MIA from this blog as I finish up my master's in the next few weeks (final presentation August 12th!!!). However, I did want to say that things have been going extremely well. I feel more sure of myself than I've ever been. And this was recently proven to me when dealing with a certain person and realizing that I was trying way too hard to impress them. As I figured this out, I also had a gut check moment when I truly saw that I've got really good instincts. I have a lot of amazing people in my life and that's not by accident. So when dealing with this person, I realized that I was repeating some past patterns that were going to ultimately lead to me feeling bad about myself because I wasn't putting myself on equal ground with this person (I was putting them above me). So a big weight was lifted when I made the choice not to continue with that relationship anymore. The next day I immediately felt so much better.

I think the biggest change I can credit a bit to this blog. I was always very secretive and as I've grown over these past few months especially I feel myself opening up a lot more. Being honest and straightforward is coming more naturally. First it was out of necessity, but now it's out of habit. And it has been immensely helpful.

It's harder now, because I feel like I'm a little in hindsight mode, to be as helpful to others in terms of talking about my depression. At the same time, I know I'm in a good place right now because of all the hard work I put in on myself. Unfortunately, I'm also headed into the rough waters of searching for a job, which in the past has been an incredibly demoralizing process. I'm arming myself with as much support as possible now, and hopefully I will be able to navigate it better this time around.

Today I Feel...Stronger

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So what I've been thinking about lately, as I have started my final semester of grad school, and have really begun to delve deeper into learning about the things that I am passionate about and want to build my future around, is how much strength and confidence I've gained in--even the last six months. I think as you grow older and gain more experiences, you slowly do naturally become more comfortable with yourself. However, I've noticed a huge difference thanks to this blog, reaching out to peers about my depression, getting on medication, and learning about myself through my grad classes.

One thing that really stands out is that, being an introvert (who thought I should be/was an extrovert), there were so many times that I let other people affect how I behaved because I thought they knew better than me. Looking back, the instances that irritate me the most are those in which I was in the leadership position, but I still let particular people influence what I did because I thought they knew more than me, or were better than me or I wanted their approval...all of the above. I have always been very sensitive and emphatic to other peoples' emotions etc., which practically dictates that I am a people pleaser...but truly there are some people that can't be pleased.

Even now, I can recognize when I feel guilty or upset by something I have no control over (i.e. other people), so I really feel a whole lot better about myself and where I am than ever before. Lucky for me, I don't have any of those people in my life anymore, where I somehow felt obligated to put them up on a pedestal for no good reason other than my whacked out perception of their superiority over me.

However, I think one good thing that came out of that is my leadership style has evolved into a much more collaborative style. I don't want anyone to feel like their ideas are less valid, or won't be heard, especially because I know how crappy that feels. One of my professors likes to say that every experience is a positive experience, because you either learn what you should do, or what you shouldn't do.

What makes you strong? What gives you confidence in yourself?

Celebs Who Inspire: Demi Lovato

Pic/Interview at Seventeen.com
You'll notice Demi is also a supporter of the Love is Louder Movement! 

I've been wanting to write about Demi Lovato for awhile. Finally, I was up in the middle of the night thinking about it, so I decided it was time. It's important to note that I was a fan of Demi's before all this, she is a super talented singer and has pipes that rival Kelly Clarkson's. However, since she has opened up about her struggles, I find that my admiration and respect for her has deepened immensely. In fact, when she said she didn't know she was bipolar until going into treatment, I realized "Wow, there must be so many people that don't know they're bipolar, depressed, etc." This may sound obvious, but it was honestly the first time I had really thought about it in terms of how severe an impact that would cause on people's lives.

I began to realize that I was probably one of the many who are currently undiagnosed, with a mental illness or disorder.

I was hitting another period of depression in my life, but I, buying into the stereotypes, was both not interested in medication and thought it would eventually go away. As Demi started to share her story, I began to educate myself on the bipolar spectrum and also major depressive disorder. What were other people's experiences? I didn't want just a list of symptoms, I wanted to here what people went through.

This was a turning point for me, finding myself identifying more and more with these stories, I finally asked my therapist to recommend someone to evaluate me and started trying out medications. Trying out medications hasn't been a particularly fun process, but I had to hope that eventually I would find peace. At the moment, things are going very well.

So the reason I wanted to honor Demi Lovato is that her story was really the catalyst for my story to move on to the next chapter. I started this blog in hopes of inspires others in even the smallest way, and to continue to express my own experience that I kept hidden for so many years. Even though Demi is 6 years younger than me, I really look up to her. Inspiration is where you find it.

Demi shares in her MTV documentary "Stay Strong," that she can't say she hasn't relapsed since being in treatment. I think it's extremely important to share with others that the journey isn't a smooth one, and I appreciate her candidness. I've included the first part of her documentary here, all of which is worth the watch and available on MTV.com

Get More: Music News

Also, I previously included her song "Skyscraper" in my first post on Music that Inspires:



What do you think of Demi's story? Who has inspired you?

Today I Feel...Guilty

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One thing I've only recently begun to become aware of since starting therapy was how guilty I feel. This comes up time and time again in my relationships with others and also in how I view myself. If I do something fun instead of something I "should" be doing, then I feel guilty. It's my go-to form of self punishment, that reminder to tell myself "you're terrible!"

Hanging on to these guilty feelings has really weakened my self confidence. I am still discovering that I feel this way especially when I choose to do what I want to do (or what I think is best for me) instead of what someone else wants me to do. Then, no matter my logic, I feel as though I am letting them down. What I realize is that maybe I am letting them down, however, that doesn't mean I should feel badly and doubt my decisions. I've still been feeling guilty about quitting my job a year ago, when I know it was the right decision for me. I've kept questioning it too, even though I knew it was what I needed.

I'm slowly working on building myself up again, recognizing that I have the strength to speak up for myself, and also trying to let go of the voices that are trying to get me to be a people pleaser. I'm actually a terrible people pleaser because I'm fighting with myself the whole time to do what I really want!

What do you feel guilty about?

Today I Feel...Inspired

Photo credit / More by artist 

In a bit of a reversal, as my emotions are sometimes in constant swing, I feel very inspired today. After the last "Today I Feel" post, things were not so hot. I missed some classes, got behind on work, even skipped therapy which I NEVER do. I just felt so disconnected, ugly, worthless and...defeated, as I mentioned. Luckily, I made it though, and it was my lowest low, because the only thing that got me through was the fact that I had started new medication and thought I should wait to see if it may kick in. And it did.

I actually feel medicated now, which is a bit of a downside, but at the same time, I know I need it to help get my life back in order. So I'm pretty grateful for that. I also decided to open up and tell more people in my life about my depression. I somehow wanted to preserve this "normal" image in their eyes and honestly, that isn't my normal. And I'm actually hurting myself by trying to keep up appearances, as being depressed was my secret shame.

This past weekend I had to present my blog to my advocacy class (hence the previous post) and I feel like I 'came out' as a person that suffers from depression/anxiety. It felt really good.

I feel inspired now, as today the host of The Mental Illness Happy Hour Paul Gilmartin commented on my blog post on the show, and it was really encouraging. Then looking back, I found out that Teresa Strasser who I really respect and admire had actually responded to my comment on her blog too. Seriously, when you reach out and are honest, people do respond, maybe in not the ways you expect, but they do.

Today I Feel...Defeated

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"The only way out is through..." somebody famous, or semi-famous said that, and I am the queen of trying every other way possible, usually multiple times. In another life I was most likely a turtle, or a hermit crab, frequently retreating to the safety of my shell for comfort and hiding from the rest of the world. I manage to spend a lot of time going in the opposite direction, even when I can clearly see the right way to go...

Okay, enough metaphors. I obviously started this blog for a reason, but have managed to skirt around my own personal stake in it...I struggle with depression. I have since I was 14 years old, but this current bout has been the most serious and difficult. I've only opened up about the worst of it to a few close family members and friends, but mostly, I feel like I'm in it alone. Starting with a base of someone who is introverted and lacks a lot of self-confidence, my depression is often really crippling. I don't want to get out of bed, partly because I don't see the point, and partly because it is the place that I seek comfort. I don't answer the phone just because I can't take the minimal small talk I know I will have to make. Those people on the other end, they have purpose, jobs, lives. And I do not. I cannot deal with their hypothetical happiness.

When I manage to successfully cope my way through the day, what is my reward? Often times, I get to reflect on the "real" things I did not accomplish. Homework. Looking for a job. Anything productive. Which unfortunately, brings me back to feeling awful about myself again. Being hard on myself, unfortunately, is not a realistic long-term goal. I can't "hate" myself into changing.

So what am I doing about it? I've been going to therapy for just over a year and also testing out medications for almost 6 months. Before today, I actually had a really amazing week (the first in many, many months) of feeling normal and sleeping regularly (normal hours and through the night). But today, not so much. I feel the whole troubling spectrum of emotions...anger, panic, sadness, hurt, frustration, stress.... Mostly, I feel defeated. I'm in the self-blame game where I'm the ultimate loser.

I wanted to wait until I felt brave enough to share all this, but then I thought maybe it's better if I don't. Even if I didn't do all that I was supposed to today, at least I did this for myself, and this was very important. This is me.

Personal Experiences: Mental Illness Happy Hour

I stumbled across this podcast while looking for appearances/interviews of two of my favorite comedians, Adam Carolla and his former radio show co-host, Teresa Strasser. The host, Paul Gilmartin, most famous for TBS' Dinner and a Movie, is often a guest on Carolla's top-rated podcast. Gilmartin admits on the podcast to being a long sufferer of depression and talks with other comedians, entertainers, and every day folks about how depression, anxiety, addiction etc. manifests itself in their lives and in many ways how it contributed to their creativity.

It is interesting to hear other people's perspectives, experiences with medications and talk therapy etc. in an ultimate effort to let others know "You Are Not Alone." Podcasts are also one of those intimate mediums where you feel an immediate connection with those you are listening to, as if you were simply overhearing a conversation between people you know. The best part is that as Gilmartin and guests are not 'mental health professionals' you are spared any clinical talk.

I highly recommend a visit to his website, mentalpod.com, where you can stream the episodes and is also a forum to discuss the shows.

(Image courtesy of mentalpod.com)

Personal Experiences: Depression in Cartoon Form

                                      Illustration by Allie Brosh at hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com
A friend of mine pointed out this specific blog post entitled "Adventures in Depression" as an accurate reflection of some of her experiences as well. Sometimes the most difficult part of dealing with depression is feeling like no one can understand what you are going through and you feel very alone and isolated. This blog post, as evidenced by the comment section, shows that no one is alone in these experiences.

I hope to bring attention to more personal experiences like these to encourage depression sufferers that it is okay to speak up. You will be heard and you are not alone. Read "Adventures in Depression" here*

*Please note that some of the illustrations in the linked blog post feature strong language.