Friday, March 9, 2012

Today I Feel...Defeated

                                                         Image source
"The only way out is through..." somebody famous, or semi-famous said that, and I am the queen of trying every other way possible, usually multiple times. In another life I was most likely a turtle, or a hermit crab, frequently retreating to the safety of my shell for comfort and hiding from the rest of the world. I manage to spend a lot of time going in the opposite direction, even when I can clearly see the right way to go...

Okay, enough metaphors. I obviously started this blog for a reason, but have managed to skirt around my own personal stake in it...I struggle with depression. I have since I was 14 years old, but this current bout has been the most serious and difficult. I've only opened up about the worst of it to a few close family members and friends, but mostly, I feel like I'm in it alone. Starting with a base of someone who is introverted and lacks a lot of self-confidence, my depression is often really crippling. I don't want to get out of bed, partly because I don't see the point, and partly because it is the place that I seek comfort. I don't answer the phone just because I can't take the minimal small talk I know I will have to make. Those people on the other end, they have purpose, jobs, lives. And I do not. I cannot deal with their hypothetical happiness.

When I manage to successfully cope my way through the day, what is my reward? Often times, I get to reflect on the "real" things I did not accomplish. Homework. Looking for a job. Anything productive. Which unfortunately, brings me back to feeling awful about myself again. Being hard on myself, unfortunately, is not a realistic long-term goal. I can't "hate" myself into changing.

So what am I doing about it? I've been going to therapy for just over a year and also testing out medications for almost 6 months. Before today, I actually had a really amazing week (the first in many, many months) of feeling normal and sleeping regularly (normal hours and through the night). But today, not so much. I feel the whole troubling spectrum of emotions...anger, panic, sadness, hurt, frustration, stress.... Mostly, I feel defeated. I'm in the self-blame game where I'm the ultimate loser.

I wanted to wait until I felt brave enough to share all this, but then I thought maybe it's better if I don't. Even if I didn't do all that I was supposed to today, at least I did this for myself, and this was very important. This is me.

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