Today I Feel...I Need to Hit Refresh

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So in anxiety over job searching, I made every social media account I own private. I shut myself off and I felt silly continuing to write posts for "no one." I regret that decision and being able to share this huge part of myself. I think blogging about depression, my experiences and related things I come across was a healthy habit that I want to continue.

For the past year, I've feel boxed in at times trying to remind myself not to hold myself up to other people's standards. It is the vicious cycle of guilt and depression that my mind is prone to despite medication. You can change chemical imbalances with proper medication but you also have to change your ways of thinking...how you handle stress, difficult relationships and/or confrontations etc. I'm also in the process of looking for a new therapist as well, because despite my best efforts of focusing and articulating my goals and what I want out of therapy, I have not yet found a good fit.

I've begun a serious relationship with someone who also suffers from depression and is in the beginning stages of treatment and that has also brought these issues back to the front of my mind. It's 100% true that the hardest thing in the world for someone with depression is seeking help and committing to seeking help by making sure that someone is listening and taking you seriously. But once you begin a treatment path, and finally find something that works for you, unfortunately it doesn't mean that everything is magically cured.

I still cope with stress like a depressed person. I crawl into bed, under the covers, in the fetal position until I'm able to process it. I still reward then guilt myself like a depressed person sometimes, by engaging in a quick trip to my favorite store to "treat myself" and then berating myself for spending the money on myself.
I realize all of this makes me human, but coming from the perspective of someone who was depressed for over 10 years, these habits are some closely associated with that feeling that I would never be happy. Even that I didn't deserve to be happy.

So now, I am hitting refresh. I look forward to sharing and seeing what others have to say.

Today I Feel...Stronger

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So what I've been thinking about lately, as I have started my final semester of grad school, and have really begun to delve deeper into learning about the things that I am passionate about and want to build my future around, is how much strength and confidence I've gained in--even the last six months. I think as you grow older and gain more experiences, you slowly do naturally become more comfortable with yourself. However, I've noticed a huge difference thanks to this blog, reaching out to peers about my depression, getting on medication, and learning about myself through my grad classes.

One thing that really stands out is that, being an introvert (who thought I should be/was an extrovert), there were so many times that I let other people affect how I behaved because I thought they knew better than me. Looking back, the instances that irritate me the most are those in which I was in the leadership position, but I still let particular people influence what I did because I thought they knew more than me, or were better than me or I wanted their approval...all of the above. I have always been very sensitive and emphatic to other peoples' emotions etc., which practically dictates that I am a people pleaser...but truly there are some people that can't be pleased.

Even now, I can recognize when I feel guilty or upset by something I have no control over (i.e. other people), so I really feel a whole lot better about myself and where I am than ever before. Lucky for me, I don't have any of those people in my life anymore, where I somehow felt obligated to put them up on a pedestal for no good reason other than my whacked out perception of their superiority over me.

However, I think one good thing that came out of that is my leadership style has evolved into a much more collaborative style. I don't want anyone to feel like their ideas are less valid, or won't be heard, especially because I know how crappy that feels. One of my professors likes to say that every experience is a positive experience, because you either learn what you should do, or what you shouldn't do.

What makes you strong? What gives you confidence in yourself?

Today I Feel...Guilty

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One thing I've only recently begun to become aware of since starting therapy was how guilty I feel. This comes up time and time again in my relationships with others and also in how I view myself. If I do something fun instead of something I "should" be doing, then I feel guilty. It's my go-to form of self punishment, that reminder to tell myself "you're terrible!"

Hanging on to these guilty feelings has really weakened my self confidence. I am still discovering that I feel this way especially when I choose to do what I want to do (or what I think is best for me) instead of what someone else wants me to do. Then, no matter my logic, I feel as though I am letting them down. What I realize is that maybe I am letting them down, however, that doesn't mean I should feel badly and doubt my decisions. I've still been feeling guilty about quitting my job a year ago, when I know it was the right decision for me. I've kept questioning it too, even though I knew it was what I needed.

I'm slowly working on building myself up again, recognizing that I have the strength to speak up for myself, and also trying to let go of the voices that are trying to get me to be a people pleaser. I'm actually a terrible people pleaser because I'm fighting with myself the whole time to do what I really want!

What do you feel guilty about?

Today I Feel...Inspired

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In a bit of a reversal, as my emotions are sometimes in constant swing, I feel very inspired today. After the last "Today I Feel" post, things were not so hot. I missed some classes, got behind on work, even skipped therapy which I NEVER do. I just felt so disconnected, ugly, worthless and...defeated, as I mentioned. Luckily, I made it though, and it was my lowest low, because the only thing that got me through was the fact that I had started new medication and thought I should wait to see if it may kick in. And it did.

I actually feel medicated now, which is a bit of a downside, but at the same time, I know I need it to help get my life back in order. So I'm pretty grateful for that. I also decided to open up and tell more people in my life about my depression. I somehow wanted to preserve this "normal" image in their eyes and honestly, that isn't my normal. And I'm actually hurting myself by trying to keep up appearances, as being depressed was my secret shame.

This past weekend I had to present my blog to my advocacy class (hence the previous post) and I feel like I 'came out' as a person that suffers from depression/anxiety. It felt really good.

I feel inspired now, as today the host of The Mental Illness Happy Hour Paul Gilmartin commented on my blog post on the show, and it was really encouraging. Then looking back, I found out that Teresa Strasser who I really respect and admire had actually responded to my comment on her blog too. Seriously, when you reach out and are honest, people do respond, maybe in not the ways you expect, but they do.

Today I Feel...Defeated

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"The only way out is through..." somebody famous, or semi-famous said that, and I am the queen of trying every other way possible, usually multiple times. In another life I was most likely a turtle, or a hermit crab, frequently retreating to the safety of my shell for comfort and hiding from the rest of the world. I manage to spend a lot of time going in the opposite direction, even when I can clearly see the right way to go...

Okay, enough metaphors. I obviously started this blog for a reason, but have managed to skirt around my own personal stake in it...I struggle with depression. I have since I was 14 years old, but this current bout has been the most serious and difficult. I've only opened up about the worst of it to a few close family members and friends, but mostly, I feel like I'm in it alone. Starting with a base of someone who is introverted and lacks a lot of self-confidence, my depression is often really crippling. I don't want to get out of bed, partly because I don't see the point, and partly because it is the place that I seek comfort. I don't answer the phone just because I can't take the minimal small talk I know I will have to make. Those people on the other end, they have purpose, jobs, lives. And I do not. I cannot deal with their hypothetical happiness.

When I manage to successfully cope my way through the day, what is my reward? Often times, I get to reflect on the "real" things I did not accomplish. Homework. Looking for a job. Anything productive. Which unfortunately, brings me back to feeling awful about myself again. Being hard on myself, unfortunately, is not a realistic long-term goal. I can't "hate" myself into changing.

So what am I doing about it? I've been going to therapy for just over a year and also testing out medications for almost 6 months. Before today, I actually had a really amazing week (the first in many, many months) of feeling normal and sleeping regularly (normal hours and through the night). But today, not so much. I feel the whole troubling spectrum of emotions...anger, panic, sadness, hurt, frustration, stress.... Mostly, I feel defeated. I'm in the self-blame game where I'm the ultimate loser.

I wanted to wait until I felt brave enough to share all this, but then I thought maybe it's better if I don't. Even if I didn't do all that I was supposed to today, at least I did this for myself, and this was very important. This is me.