Mistakes Make You Better

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In the News: Tony Scott and Suicide

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It seems like it's been awhile since there has been a high profile celebrity suicide in the news...or at least one that was so clearly a suicide. It had a strange effect on me as the initial reports were breaking. I finally felt like, "Wow, I 100% can relate to that feeling." As much as we want to put that dark place and all that pain behind us, it can be so easily accessed again when you meet someone or hear of someone who is struggling with depression and thoughts of suicide.

The rumors surrounding Tony Scott's death, such as whether or not he was diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer before taking his life, I think show how uncomfortable the media and the general public is with handling questions of suicide. He has it all! Success! Money! Fame! Family! etc. And we even satisfy ourselves with the answer of "we'll never know why."

I obviously can only speak for myself and my experience and that is to say, even being young and intelligent, and having family and friends, and born in this fabulous day and age...my depression was so bad I felt almost inhuman with apathy. Nothing mattered. Luckily, I reached out, I got help. I asked to go on medication. And the worst it got I was on medication and I asked to change medications because it clearly wasn't helping.

All I want to do with my life is help others, but it turned out I really needed to help myself first. All that is available is the belief that it's not supposed to be like this. There is help. There's no quick fix, but it will be so worth it. I really feel like I wouldn't be this happy now if I hadn't been so unhappy before.

The difference now is that I access that pain in a new way. Reflecting on it rather than letting it completely overwhelm me. It's nice to be able to feel a range of emotions as opposed to just one, but it's still a process.

Be the Good

Personal Experiences: Making Adjustments

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So this will be my last week and a half of having student health insurance and therefore I will lose coverage for my prescriptions until I find employment. I've looked into the costs of my medications and one of them in particular has no generic version and costs $$$. I have an appointment to discuss my options with my psychiatrist but needless to say I'm still a little anxious. While I generally subscribe to the belief that it's better to be on as little medication as possible, I also stronglyyyy believe that if it's not broke, don't fix it. I know there are several contributing factors to my current state of happiness, and having to make adjustments to my medication is an inevitable step, but I don't want to sacrifice another minute of feeling better!

This is a negativity trap. Thinking that the other shoe is going to drop at any moment...being SO sure that something awful is around the corner...instead of enjoying the present. I at least know I have all the support I need while I make these changes (and maybe some side effects will go away! The change could be for the better!) and need to continue to pay close attention to what is happening internally.

You hold the key to your own happiness :-)

Update: Trusting Your Instincts

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So I forewarned that I would be MIA from this blog as I finish up my master's in the next few weeks (final presentation August 12th!!!). However, I did want to say that things have been going extremely well. I feel more sure of myself than I've ever been. And this was recently proven to me when dealing with a certain person and realizing that I was trying way too hard to impress them. As I figured this out, I also had a gut check moment when I truly saw that I've got really good instincts. I have a lot of amazing people in my life and that's not by accident. So when dealing with this person, I realized that I was repeating some past patterns that were going to ultimately lead to me feeling bad about myself because I wasn't putting myself on equal ground with this person (I was putting them above me). So a big weight was lifted when I made the choice not to continue with that relationship anymore. The next day I immediately felt so much better.

I think the biggest change I can credit a bit to this blog. I was always very secretive and as I've grown over these past few months especially I feel myself opening up a lot more. Being honest and straightforward is coming more naturally. First it was out of necessity, but now it's out of habit. And it has been immensely helpful.

It's harder now, because I feel like I'm a little in hindsight mode, to be as helpful to others in terms of talking about my depression. At the same time, I know I'm in a good place right now because of all the hard work I put in on myself. Unfortunately, I'm also headed into the rough waters of searching for a job, which in the past has been an incredibly demoralizing process. I'm arming myself with as much support as possible now, and hopefully I will be able to navigate it better this time around.

In All of Us

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"It is in all of us to defy expectations, to go into the world and to be brave. To want, to need, to hunger for adventures. To embrace change and chance and risk, so that we may breathe and know what it is to be free." ~Mae Chevrette

Making the Best of It

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