Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Today I Feel...I Need to Hit Refresh

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So in anxiety over job searching, I made every social media account I own private. I shut myself off and I felt silly continuing to write posts for "no one." I regret that decision and being able to share this huge part of myself. I think blogging about depression, my experiences and related things I come across was a healthy habit that I want to continue.

For the past year, I've feel boxed in at times trying to remind myself not to hold myself up to other people's standards. It is the vicious cycle of guilt and depression that my mind is prone to despite medication. You can change chemical imbalances with proper medication but you also have to change your ways of thinking...how you handle stress, difficult relationships and/or confrontations etc. I'm also in the process of looking for a new therapist as well, because despite my best efforts of focusing and articulating my goals and what I want out of therapy, I have not yet found a good fit.

I've begun a serious relationship with someone who also suffers from depression and is in the beginning stages of treatment and that has also brought these issues back to the front of my mind. It's 100% true that the hardest thing in the world for someone with depression is seeking help and committing to seeking help by making sure that someone is listening and taking you seriously. But once you begin a treatment path, and finally find something that works for you, unfortunately it doesn't mean that everything is magically cured.

I still cope with stress like a depressed person. I crawl into bed, under the covers, in the fetal position until I'm able to process it. I still reward then guilt myself like a depressed person sometimes, by engaging in a quick trip to my favorite store to "treat myself" and then berating myself for spending the money on myself.
I realize all of this makes me human, but coming from the perspective of someone who was depressed for over 10 years, these habits are some closely associated with that feeling that I would never be happy. Even that I didn't deserve to be happy.

So now, I am hitting refresh. I look forward to sharing and seeing what others have to say.

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